The Unemployment Diary: How to Make a Good "Aliens" Game pt. 1 of 2
February 14, 2013
Valentine's Day
Day 5 of Not Having a Job
Ok, I know its been a while. Cue the shitty Staind song. I would appologize but I feel its better if we leave it at "I lost interest so I quit" than giving a half-hearted apology. You don't like it, write your congressman. So lets get up to speed shall we? Since we have last spoken I have moved around in my job and it has led me to the point of hating it so much that I walked away from it...without a back-up plan...like an idjit. Shit is done, nothing to do about it now, shit will work out (Hook a brother up). The job market is balls nasty right now and while I though I would be desirable it turns out that I am not so much.
It hurts. It hurts deep inside.
Anyway, I have been applying daily with high hopes and callused finger tips but lets move on.
We are having a baby boy at the tail end of May! Huzzah! We are having issues with deciding on a name but I am totally open to the suggestions of my loyal fans...if such people truly exist.
Add that on top of turning 30 this year and I'm just frazzled.
The idea popped into my head the other day while applying for jobs and watching "The Amazing Spider-Man" (not bad and you're goddamn right I can multi-task) to pick up the laptop and make a journal of my days without work. If it was grounded in reality it would be really bloody lame and consist of "Applied for X job, touched self, ate a poptart, touched self, cried, repeat" so instead it needs to have a fictional flair. Now Ive been out the game for awhile so just bear with me. The idea for this entry that I'm about to jot down came from a conversation with the Tarvis while on the way home from a mildy shitty job interview I had this morning.
P.S. If the Operations manager from a Pawn Shop chain wants to interview you in a Bob Evan's, just save yourself the time and pass.
So the Tarvis and I were excited about this new "Aliens: Colonial Marines" game coming out because we, like most sane people, enjoy the shit out that movie. Honestly, in my rankings, its in a three-way tie death match for best movie ever with the other two being John Carpenter's " The Things" and George A. Romero's "Dawn of the Dead" (honorable mention to "The Evil Dead"). It seems that there is an unspoken rule when someone puts out a game based on he Aliens license and that rule is that the game must be god awful. Don't believe me? Look that shit up. Aliens Vs. Predator on PC is the only goddamn exception and I'm including AvP2 in with it since it was a series. Now, we were hopeful but we are not idiots so of course we didn't plan on buying it (well, I didn't but he fuckin' buys all kinds of shit so who knows with him) and of course the reviews that hit on release day backed up our decision to hold off. All of the reviews say the same thing and that is that the game is the equivalent of warm mule cum. I know, I know, don't listen to reviews and all that but I don't like to waste money so if the points in the reviews hit concerns that I had it becomes reasonable for me to take it and walk away.
The game feels rushed and unfinished, it is painful to sit through, it is glitchy and annoying.
Sumbitch.
What we can't figure out is why it is so goddamn hard to make a Aliens game that isn't hot garbage. After spitballing back and forth here is what we came up with. Now, if someone from any Production House is reading this, I am willing to sell it to you for a modest sum but if any of this shows up in any new games I'll know you stole that shit. Don't be that guy, Video Game Company. Don't be that fucking guy.
Ok, here goes.
Finally.
(Are you still reading? If you are, my hat goes off to you. I quit trying four paragraphs ago.)
My thought is that the game needs to be broken into three chapters, each with its own different feel. I'm gonna break this up into two parts because the intro ran longer than I thought and I know that none of you has the attention span to finish it all (also Emmy wants to play Strawberry Shortcake Memory). The Alien franchise started off being all about the tension and the suspense of tight spaces and an unseen terror. The first bit needs to re-capture that. This is what I would do: Survey Team from Company X lands on Planet Y to investigate Cosmic Nonsense Event. The team is composed of Hot Dumb Girl, Nerdy Quiet Guy, Brickchest NoNeck and Grandpa Know-it-all. The team investigates cave system/desolate town/space craft and you are treated to some jump scares and odd noises with quick flashes of something that may or may not be a goddamn monster made of teeth. Also, during the search Hot Dumb Girl puts the moves on Brickchest NoNeck but he turns her down because he is still in love with his dead wife/girlfriend/sister (???)/country. As he storms off she is attacked by crazy space monster that is some sort of Dolphin/Badger hybrid that has eyeballs that squirt some crazy hallucinogen. Goddamn thing looked adorable too didn't it? That's why she went to pet it. Idiot. So, while she's trippin' balls she finds Nerdy Guy who looks like Ryan Reynolds in Amityville Horror now (Abs for Days) and puts the moves on him. Unbeknownst to her they are being watched by a GODDAMN XENOMORPH! Finally! Now, while you're all "Hell yea, about time!" it cuts away and you don't get to see shit. You know why? Because the 'Morph is taking them to be cocooned for implantation, dummies! DUH! Brickchest will find the scattered clothes from the almost copulation and freak the fuck out, justifiably, and then start screaming. Here comes the 'Morph! Dumbass decides to shoot first and gets run through with a razor sharp tail. Didn't see that one coming did you? Now, guess who our protagonist is? Grandpa Know-it-all, who was never in any kind of goddamn war and was just on this mission to kill some time until retirement because he's getting too old for this shit. Up until this point Gramps has not been a playable character, you've only interacted with him in cut-scenes and shit so you have no idea what he is capable of. Well it turns out that not only has he been taking down detailed notes of all the flora and fauna on this here planet (which was part of the goddamn job in the first place had you not been out there trying to have sex/kill everything you came across) but he has also been collecting supplies left behind by the workers/colonists/space goats. Gramps is packing...packing some incontinence, a bad knee and a rudimentary knowledge of how to use a Plasma Rifle. Gramps also has a map and a compass (maybe his name is Link, wouldn't that be clever) so he can find his way around. He also tripped the S.O.S beacon back on the U.S.S. Macguffin when shit started to get wonky so yea, help is on the way. Now, all you have to do is survive. Easy peezy lemon squeezy. Oh shit! Whats that in the dark? Comin at ya fast is some hot to trot 'Morphs! They look pissed! Well, they don't really have a look...you need facial features for that but I digress...Gramps drops some grenades and books ass back to the ship. He runs up the open ramp into the belly of the ship (Open ramp = You're fucked because there is a goddamn monster in there, dummy) and get the doors shut just in time. Now, at this point you've finally seen the monster in all its toothy glory but you have no idea how many there actually are because you've only seen a handful. The tension is still there because they are still skulking around and being all ninja-esque. Gramps makes some Space Oatmeal while he waits for rescue, not really concerned about the monsters outside because they have been unable to get inside the ship. He receives a transmission stating that Company X's drop ship will be there in twelve hours so after sending them a briefing on the goddamn monsters he decides to take a nap. He survived the ordeal and is going home. Also, there are some unspeakable horrors outside. He killed some monsters and all his friends are dead, which is fine because they were douchebags anyway. Home free.
Except for the GODDAMN FACE HUGGER THAT SNUCK ONTO THE MOTHERFUCKING SHIP WHEN YOU IDIOTS LEFT THE RAMP DOWN YOU DUMBASSES!
BOOM!
Now, by the time he wakes up the facehugger is lying dead on the ground and hes just like "The fuck was that thing? Oh well, not my problem. Alright, rescue team! Time to go home!"
Cut scene of random new crew guy picking up the dead facehugger, looking disgusted and throwing it in the trash. Ship takes off and we close on Gramps telling the female pilot that he is having some serious heartburn...the pilot that JUST HAPPENS TO BE HIS GRANDAUGHTER!
BOOM! MOTIVE FOR REVENGE ESTABLISHED FOR INEVITABLE SEQUEL!
*Credits*
So, to recap we have:
- Tension
- Terror
- Protagonist/Antagonist
- Easily Followed Plot with Open end for Sequel
- Death/Dismemberment/Sex
- Crazy Space Monsters which you never see on any of these jacked up planets in these movies. Come on people, there has to be more on these planets than the toothy beasts. EXPLORE!
- You also know that the hero you didn't care about probably isn't the character you're playing in part 2. Odds are its gonna be the plucky young granddaughter who will uncover some secret plot and become a bad-ass in her own right.
End of Part One.
You Like it and I'll write part Two.
M.
