So I don't know if anyone is paying attention to what is going on in the news but these "zombie" attacks are wiggin' my shit out. The coke head in Miami and now that nutter in Maryland. Two instances in a week that involved someone eating some else. The kook in Maryland ate his roommates fucking brains and heart for Christ's sakes.
Something is seriously wrong here.
Let's talk about it. Why not? I'm bored, got nowhere to go, got a frosty Blue Moon and some IMonster in my ears. P.S. You should totally listen to "These are our Children" while you read this so you can get the creepy vibe that I have. It is truly delicious. Indeed.
Anyways, lets get on with this since I'm not making any money and most of you have forgotten about this little rag that I was so goddamn diligent about pushing upon you for months. Sorry, I lost interest or realized I was a shitty writer or what fuckin' ever.
Sec, need another beer.
K, better.
Ok, the cops shot that guy in Miami like six fucking times by the way. He didn't give two tugs of a dead dogs cock. He kept eating that guys face. The dude in Maryland had his roommates body parts in cookie tins. Merry fuckin' Christmas indeed. Also, they took the victim from Miami to the Hospital. Why the fuck would you do that? You had the bright idea to kill the zombie but you save the infected victim? He's gonna turn in that hospital. Think about that. All hell and its all your goddamn fault.
Man, this would go a whole hell of a lot faster if I wouldn't need to watch myself type. How awful is that? I type like ten words a minute. Seriously. I think Emmy can type faster than me.
I can only feel that this is truly a sign on the End Times coming on. Soon, we will be surrounded by Spiders as big as cars, Winged Bears and a black pres...heh...ugh...next.
In order to get to the bottom of this, I decided to call in a few favors from some people that don't actually exist except in the context of this story to make it more readable. Ya see I'm rather boring so sometimes I make shit up in my head, usually on the drive home from work, that I think is fucking hilarious. Now, I'm going to put it on the internet.
Why?
'Cause I don't have Diablo 3 yet.
Suffer ye and feel my virtuous wrath.
I called up a scientist friend of mine that I met years ago at a convention in Switzerland. What kind of convention you ask?
The Secret Kind. Shut the fuck up.
"Daydream in Blue" is on now. I love these guys.
So I ask my scientist friend, Dr.Tsitneics, what's up with these cannibal shenanigans and he tells me that he thinks it has something to do with Lunar Eclipses, Sunspots and Universal Healthcare.
Up Yours, Canada.
I mention that I'm beginin' to get freaked out and he tells me about this experiment that he's been working on, something about time and space continuum nonsense. I proceed to ask him if Scott Bakula is involved or perhaps Jerry O'Connel. Dead silence. I move on. He says that he has found a way to communicate with alternate universes and pipe the communications conveniently through the average cell phone. I says fuck yea, that sounds tits.
So we find us a zombie universe. So we can find out whats the deal and stuff. In an odd turn of events, your personal cellphone number is linked through the Multiverse and every alternate you can be reached with it. So, now I bring you some answers straight from Zombie Mike.
Mike - Hey buddy. So, you're a goddamn brain eatin' zombie bastard then?
Zombie Mike - Raawwwrrr bllllaarrrgghh.
M - Aw shit. Seriously? Watta revoltin development this is.
ZM - *Chuckles and probably smirking like an asshole* Nah, I'm just playing fucknut. Yea, I'm a fuckin' Zombie. Whats up?
M - Am I that much of a dick? Never mind. Well, I'm calling to find out why you're a Zombie. What happened to your world? What drives you? Why the fuck are people in my Universe starting to each each other?
ZM - Ok hoss. One at a time. I'm a Zombie 'cause some Zombie Bitch bit me. I was just doin' my good Samaritan thing, trying to help some stranded girl out by giving her a ride. You know? Like in the porno movies? Anyways, she goes all Red Robin on me (Yumm!) and takes a big ass chunk out of my shoulder. Cold piss indeed. As far as what drives me? Pure motorized instinct, man. Ain't shit else. Zombies don't make movies or music and they sure as shit don't write books. I'm bored as fuck most of the time because their are so few meals...people...left that I kinda just shut off and lurch around. Not like we sleep yeh know? It's just "Brains" 24/7. Shit just gets old.
M - I can imagine. I'm bored most of the time but I don't eat anyone.
ZM - But you have Rape fantasies. It's like the same thing.
M - What the fuck?
ZM - Don't lie to me dude. I'm you. Just slightly off-kilter. Besides, who doesn't have Rape fantasies?
M - ...
ZM - It is what it is. Fuck, I'm hungry. Lemme check the fridge. Be right back. Don't hang up though. Be a bitch to reconnect. Verizon sucks in any universe.
M - Fucking rape fantasies....I don't know what the fuck...
ZM - Shit, only Finger Foods in there. HA! Get it? A bowl of human fucking fingers! Goddamn, even undead I still got it. Fuck yea.
M - Ok, I don't think I can do this anymore.
ZM - Pussy.
M - Well, you are what you...
ZM - Don't finish that thought unless you want some seriously nasty details.
M - Ugh, never mind.
ZM - Alright bro, I think I hear some dumb ass humans creepin' round this bitch. Gonna get my eat on. Don't let the man get you down. Also, watch your back. Zombie Plague creepin' up on y'all.
M - K, thanks...take it easy.
*Click*
